Why can’t I stop doing ______ ?

(Please fill in the blank with your undesirable behavior.)

Why can’t you stop this undesirable behavior? Well, first off, this behavior has served a purpose. It’s helped you get your needs met in some way, or it has been an attempt to get your needs met. So hopefully you can treat yourself with compassion and acceptance knowing you’ve done the best you can.

When you are ready to change your behavior, it will likely take effort. But the amount of effort everyone will experience in changing this behavior is different. Through the friction (that “I don’t want to do this” feeling) are the lessons which drive the behavior (i.e., comfort, fear, love). On the other side of the friction is wisdom.

While being able to “muscle your way though” can build grit, discipline, and determination, it is not enough. If you only do this, your behavior will be built upon a foundation of an unmet need. That need will seep up through the foundation, likely when your stress rises, and make itself known (arguably at the worst time). So while you are flexing that discipline muscle, get curious: journal, talk to a friend or professional, meditate. Ask yourself “What do I need right now?”, or “What is the function of this behavior?”

Just like our feelings, behaviors take on various shapes and sizes. And not all undesirable behaviors are maladaptive: frequency, intensity, and impact on your life matter. There are some behaviors that are SIMPLY NOT GOOD, and many that can be good, bad, or in between. Learning how to moderate behaviors means we still have to get our needs met. We are replacing one behavior with another.

Just like Goldilocks, you have to find that “just right” zone.