My Healing Journey

I sort of “got by” up until my late 20’s. 

Then I got serious sometime after becoming a mom. My “stuff” was coming up. At the time I didn’t fully understand what I was experiencing as trauma responses. I just knew I was uncomfortable in my own skin and it was impacting me personally and professionally. I had this desire to be a leader, but couldn’t see how the version of me that was quiet and insecure would become one. At the same time, I was raising my first child, and I wanted to be a confident, secure model for him. 

I was able to make some significant changes by going back to therapy (I did EMDR and it made a huge impact on my anxiety), and I was surrounded by an amazing community of women who were role-models as much as they were my support system. By lowering my anxiety, my internal state (of safety) was ready to tackle new challenges. It was such a huge breakthrough for me, and from there I was able to begin setting healthy boundaries, communicating more effectively, and practicing new tools. 

As my marriage started to crumble, I was back in therapy and learned a lot from couple’s counseling. When I was still trying to stay in my marriage, I tried everything. I worked on my physical body (physical therapy, diet, had hormone levels checked due to fatigue) and eventually realized it was the heaviness of the crumbling marriage that was draining me, so I had to face it.

The transition out of the marriage and the period following catapulted me into a major phase of healing. I wish I could explain it in a step by step order that you can follow but that's not the way this works. You can start wherever you need, finding ways to positively impact your mind, body, and spirit (if that’s for you). 

Regardless of where you start, it takes time. You need lots of repetitions to create long lasting change. 

I refused to believe that my exhaustion was emotional. I searched for problems within my body, and that helped a bit. It landed me in physical therapy and I finally was able to rehab my hip, something I desperately wanted. My best coping mechanism is intense physical activity, and as I started unpacking some of my trauma, I needed an outlet to help regulate the emotions I was about to stir up.

My PT, Dr. Ngo, who is now a trusted practitioner and friend, asked me about my stress, and I thought I had NONE. Yet I shared with him how I was a mom of 3 boys under 10, was starting a business on top of a full-time career, and oh, was probably going to get a divorce. WOAH! Okay maybe there was some stress there. 

I had been learning a lot about the stress response system, because it helped me understand my client’s experiences. Ultimately, it also helped me understand mine as well. One day I had one of those “aha” moments, and I knew I had to get serious about reducing my stress. I tried so many different practices, and they all had their place. I continued with physical therapy, I was doing crossfit and yoga. I tried cleanses of various sorts. I went to therapy and worked with EFT (tapping) practitioners. I did reiki, massage, and worked with shamans and spiritual advisors. I added in dance and breathwork. I meditated and spent time in nature.

Ultimately, it all helped.

And it continues to help. I still remember the day when I noticed I didn’t have tightness in my chest. It comes back on occasion, and sometimes I still tell myself I am not stressed, even though all the signs are there. Even when I fall away from the things that help (like most of us do), I know what I need and how good my practices make me feel, so eventually I find my way back to them.