I am using my coping skills, why aren't they working?

I had a client ask me recently about self-regulation (to an outside observer it seemed a bit more confrontational) - and I was so happy. She asked me something along the lines of “So what if I'm always stressed out? What am I going to do, just walk all day?”

I was so proud of her, and welcomed this inquiry. First, she  spoke up and second, she intuitively understood the strategy of coping.  Cue clapping sounds!  My responses to her was “No, you are not going to walk 24/7. That is absolutely not what I'm recommending or suggesting. But yet a lot of people out there, will tell you to just breathe, go for a walk, etc. And while these are great tools, that is just part of the equation.” If you'd like to learn more about how to be more strategic with your coping, read this blog post).

It's a great part of the equation. You definitely need to learn how to regulate your nervous system. You also need to look at, and you need to be able to identify that you're stressed before you learn to regulate your nervous system. Because if you're not aware that you're stressed, then it's gonna be really difficult to know when you need to regulate.

Additionally, recognizing your stressors will be beneficial. You HAVE to know what is causing you stress. And if you don't have a handle on that, then you're going to keep piling stuff on your plate. Keep creating circumstances and conditions in which you experience stress, and then yeah, all you're gonna be doing is walking 24/7. So you need both.

You need to look at what are the things in your life causing me stress? Which of those things can you change? And I guarantee there are probably some things that you can change. Very few of you are in positions where you cannot change those things. And for those of you, I'm sending you a big hug. And the one thing that you can usually change, or that you do have control over, is your ability to regulate.

So rather than being reactive, you are going to work much harder to regulate constantly, so that way you can make the best decisions for yourself. I do recognize that there are people out there that have, that I have some clients in, that situation. But for the vast majority of people, there are definitely things that you can control and that you can take off your plate.

You can reduce demands in order to bring your stress levels down. And then when you feel like your stress is in a low to moderate range, let's say low range, then you can bring more demands on and add more on your plate.