How to Find a Good Therapist

The therapist-patient relationship is profoundly intimate, possibly more intimate than you have ever experienced. So just like dating, or selecting friends, it takes a bit of work. 

Basically, ya gotta Goldilocks it. 

Let’s start with some basics: 

Not everyone needs therapy. I am a therapist. I stand by my profession, and I think therapy is helpful, but so are other relationships. Many of my friends are therapists and provide me good counsel and immeasurable support, but several are not therapists, and their guidance is equal to, if not better, than my therapist friends. I would love to live in a world where we go to therapy to thrive, not just survive. I would also love to live in a world where the collective emotional intelligence is off the charts and we all function for each other as therapists. My fingers are crossed.

Not all therapists are good, have the same training, or are right for you. I have heard some horror stories, so DO NOT stick with a therapist if you feel unsafe.  

Please make sure your therapist is licensed OR registered with the local licensing board and in the process of becoming licensed. Ask the therapist directly if they are licensed (and feel free to double check it for yourself). If this seems too challenging, use this wording: 

“Hi, I am looking for a therapist and want to find the best fit, before I ask further questions about your areas of expertise, I just wanted to confirm you are licensed and who is your licensing board.”

(In California we are obligated to have our license posted. I cannot comment on other state’s requirements. This also presents a challenge in telehealth.) Personally, I love when clients advocate for themselves, AND as a therapist I am supposed to (and do) constantly evaluate my own reactions. So if a prospective client wants more information on me and my feathers get ruffled, that is an area for me to work on.  

Therapists also have a variety of backgrounds: there are Clinical Social Workers, Marriage and Family Therapists, Counselors, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, and there are variations of these as well as some others that I am missing. Our schooling is similar, yet different, and our training beyond formal education is also wide and varied. All of that shapes our clinical practice. One thing I would like to note, if you are looking to work with a therapist who has a specific skill set, ask about their training. For example, I am trained in EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). Some people take a weekend course in EFT, whereas I did a certification program that took about 10 months. My training is stronger. Do your research. I have had several clients who have tried EMDR and did not like it, and I always wonder what the ACTUAL training was of the practitioner.

Lastly, therapists are humans, sometimes flawed (aren’t we all to some extent?), and sometimes just not your cup of tea. Many people join “helping” fields, because they have had difficult life experiences and want to help others. If they were able to successfully resolve the challenges they faced, they likely have deeper empathy, compassion, and wisdom to support you along your own journey. If they have not resolved their own stuff, they may not be able to help you because they don’t know how or because their stuff interferes. This brings me to my next point: unresolved stuff or not, you are not going to click with everyone. I’d say give it 2-3 sessions before you find someone new. You will have to decide whether they are challenging you in a healthy way and it's uncomfortable, creating more harm, or maybe you just don’t think they get you and could help. One way to know if there is hope for your therapeutic relationship is how the therapist responds when you address your concerns with them (and I encourage you to do so). Hopefully they create a safe space to have the conversation.

I have worked with several therapists throughout my life, most of whom I have found by way of referrals from friends. The majority I had good or exceptional experiences with. They were all different and helped me along my journey in unique ways. I can only remember one where I felt judged and criticized (... and I did not return).

If you are looking for a therapist, you can start with your private insurance or local government mental health office. Or look on Psychology Today or Open Path Collective. If you are looking for a specific modality (i.e. EFT, EMDR) usually the certifying organizations maintain a directory of providers.