How I Became Less Critical of Myself

Honestly, this felt like a scene in a movie when they say “ALL HANDS ON DECK.” This part of my growth took many forms. As it does for many - 

In therapy we often use the onion metaphor - your journey is about peeling back layers. What that means is you have to build up to each phase, revealing the outermost parts that are ready to be worked on, so you can get to the deeper stuff. 

Growth is not linear - so while this post paints a somewhat linear picture, the journey I am describing would more appropriately be represented by a bunch of scribbling rather than a straight line. 

I had to learn what healthy relationships were. This included relationships with others, with food, alcohol/drugs (oooh she said drugs lol), technology, money, and of course, myself. 

I had to work through mountains of SHAME! I learned shame at a very young age, like 3, when exploring my body was forbidden (which is very normal for kids). And honestly the shame wasn’t really my own - it was a generational legacy passed down to me - which is why it’s SO FUCKING IMPORTANT TO DO YOUR OWN WORK! (*deep breath).

Basically I had to create a steady ground for me to stand on in my day to day life, so I wasn’t constantly being pulled into other people’s shit!

Some people may read this and be at the place to just need some tools, others might need to lay the foundation. Once I created some space in my life to start loving myself, I could actually do it. But like I said, none of this is linear - so when you are ready feel free to try out some of these tips:

JOURNALING

I had to look at my language. Journaling and reviewing them was helpful. I would often “should” on myself. Guess my inner critic isn’t too forgiving with mistakes… perfectionism was definitely something I struggled with (the curse of the straight A student). 

There was a dramatic flair to my inner critic too, she used a lot of “always” and “never’s”. Just noticing that tendency allowed me to slow down, and when I felt myself about to say or write it, I would pause and make a more accurate statement or go back and correct myself. My inner critic asked “why” OFTEN! This is such a WALL RAISER! It puts us on the defense, even with ourself! I did a lot less of that and explored with more curiosity and compassion.  Questions that are good substitutes include: Where did I learn that?  How was that helpful? What purpose does it serve?  What do I need going forward? How can I make that right?

THERAPY 

Having someone mirror back your language helps. AND they can give you strategies to change things. Even as a therapist, I am blind to my own pain. It’s just the way the brain works when you are highly emotional. 

FRIENDS

I have been incredibly lucky to have friends that praise me often and with genuine adoration. They have helped reflect back to me my worth, because honestly I didn’t trust myself to know. Hearing it enough from others helps - but that is fleeting, so you have to be able to do it yourself. Consider external people a safety net - help so you don’t fall too far back, but not a substitute for loving yourself.

GIVE IT TIME

Not only is all of this going to be messy and full of celebrations and mistakes, but it’s going to take TIME. The brain needs constant repetition to develop a habit (automatic behavior) so be patient and keep on doing the work!